Matt Cain Named Starting Pitcher of the All Star Game

I wish I was that child

The All Star publicity team is probably freaking out right now. Matt Cain? What is that? What funny does he do?! What are we supposed to do with these creative and highly imaginative slogans?

Watch starting pitcher R.A. Dickey in the NL All Star Game: Tons of knuckleball funk, and a last name that’s also junk!

Watch starting pitcher Stephen Strasburg in the NL All Star Game: The future is now. But also in the future. They are both now, even though it is the present, yet the future is standing next to the present, just saying like “so…like… hey… I’m here now….coffee?” Basically, the present and the future have combined to form a super dimension, warping the space time continuum into oblivion. And it’s name is Stephen Strasburg.

Instead, Matt Cain was named the starting NL All Star pitcher Monday morning. Now the All Star staff has to go with this:

Watch starting pitcher Matt Cain in the NL All Star Game. He’s a pitcher from Tennessee. His child's pretty chill.

Matt Cain is without a doubt the least appealing to the national audience. He doesn’t have a fastball that’s 99 and above, nor does he have a fluttering 80 mph knuckleball.  But all in all, he deserves the start more than either of them. Really it’s like choosing which Ferrari you want, but if you have to choose, Matt Cain is the guy. He and Dickey have nearly identical numbers, and a logical tie breaker is track record, which Cain runs away with.

4 Giants starters in the All Star Game. This is wonderful, but shame on you fans for not creating more fake emails to vote Crawford and Belt in, who both finished 2nd at their respective positions. Then 6/9 of the starting NL All Stars would be Giants and it would be all kinds of glorious. Brandon Crawford would be on the All Star team, which is like saying Keira Knightley is going to be on the Biggest Loser. But alas, we do have 4/9 of the team covered in orange in black, which both funny and unbelievably awesome. Funny because nearly half the NL All Star starters were just obliterated by everything Pirates and unbelievably awesome because it it’s so awesome I can’t believe it.

            Nice job Giants fans. Now lets spend the break thinking of new ways to piss off Mets fans.

            Here’s to Matt Cain.